This isn't maybe a funny post I guess, its not something anyone wants to admit to but my writing has proven to be some form of therapy for me so I am trying it again.
I didn't suffer from baby blues right after The Boy was born, at least I don't think I did. Those first days were quite a blur, so much to take in, to learn and try to process. The Boy was an easy baby compared to some stories I'd heard, I was always expecting it to be much worse.
I think I did, however, suffer from baby blues* about a year down the line. I remember dropping The Boy off at daycare and afterwards having to cross a busy road. I recall thinking that I wouldn't actually care if a bus came along and wiped me out. I went home, called in sick to work, lay on the bed and cried my morning away. The Husband didn't know what to say or do so he left me alone. Probably wise since once things are said its hard to take them back.
I haven't written about this because I haven't wanted to upset those close to me, or irritate those who might not understand, or, lets be honest, seem pathetic and ungrateful.
And the truth is its no-one's fault. I feel the way I do because, well, I just do.
And I'm really not ungrateful for everything I have, I give thanks nearly every day.
I have a beautiful child, he is big, healthy and strong, a bright personality with a wicked sense of humour. Just now he made me clean green wax crayon off the dining room furniture and the laptop. Silly boy. (I think the Valium is kicking in as I write..)
The Husband should have Super inserted before his title. He is a great dad and a loving attentive man. No problem there. He took to parenting like a duck to water, bar the nuclear nappies, and he did nearly everything. Because I was coping so well and seemed like I knew what I was doing (!) he slowly let me take over and deferred to my judgement concerning all things baby. I set the bedtimes, feed times, nap times, all things moms do. I'm not complaining about those responsibilities or the fact that The Husband was happy to let me handle them. But I think it just got to the point where I felt that was ALL I was doing.
I am a creative person. Even though I am far from being Martha Stewart I like to cook, I like to decorate and I like to garden. I like to do the odd crafty thing and I love restoring neglected old items. I love re-using stuff in different ways and my favourite catch-phrase is reduce, re-use and recycle.
All these things require my time. And spare time is hard to come by when you have your hands full of new baby. Or toddler, come to think of it.
My creativity was limited to making homemade puree combos, coming up with exciting new ways to fold leggings and how to create clever storage solutions for all the crap that comes with a new baby. Which I did, and not too badly I suppose. People said I was a natural mom, born to do this job. Why thank you.
I remember my dear friend coming to stay with us for her annual summer break and The Boy was just 3 months old. I remarked that "Maybe I will be more relaxed with the next baby". She laughed and replied "Jude, you couldn't be more relaxed!" A compliment much needed.
But all the time I was just stumbling along, hoping I could keep all the balls up in the air.
A friend has remarked over his recent induction into fatherhood that he has no life with a little baby. Maybe a poor choice of words but I see it rather as that your life as you know it doesn't end, it just changes. Drastically. Some of us have more difficulty adjusting than others.
I managed to escape last week with another friend and we snuck away from our slumbering children to go enjoy the latest Twilight flick.
And before you tsk tsk about me wanting to escape from my family, that's not what I mean. It was more of escaping from the Beast of Routine. Jaz and I were discussing how caught up so many of us mamas get with our childlings and general family needs that we lose sight of ourselves, of who we are as women and we kinda forget who we used to be pre marriage and babies. Yes, we all change and we become more responsible, sensible, more experienced and hopefully smarter. We try contribute to society by raising healthy children with decent values and good table manners. Its all good.
But with the addition of all these responsibilities I also feel like I've maybe lost something - like my spark.
And I'd like to start getting it back. I think I can be a better mother and definitely a better wife. (Read what you will into that one.)
With The Boy being at a slightly more independent age I am managing to get some more time for my hobbies. And nap times are like gold! Nearly 2 hours for myself to do whatever I please. What.Ever.I.Please!
Too bad its often spent collapsed on the bed.
I think I might need a tonic and maybe a case of Red Bulls to get me going at full steam again. Eating healthily and getting more exercise would also probably help.
I make time for everything else, now I just have to make some for myself too.
I guess Raging Momzilla days are going to happen but they don't have to happen everyday.
See, my therapy session is done for the day :)
* Postpartum is a serious debilitating condition and while I admit to feeling terribly down I in no way suffered as seriously as some mommies do. I did not take anti-depressant drugs even though I dearly wanted the courage to ask my doctor for them. I had to decide to get a grip and make a few changes because I couldn't be feeling so down all the time. Luckily I could do that for myself but I also realise that real postpartum is usually much harder to kick and I take my hat off to all those mommies who have experienced it and who are currently having to deal with it. You can do it, its going to get better.
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