Toddlers' Rules

If it is on, I must turn it off.

If it is off, I must turn it on.

If it is neatly folded, I must unfold it and scrunch it up and chuck it on the floor. Mama will pick it up.

If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled and left for Mama to discover by slipping in it.                                                       

If it is a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed, smashed or smeared. Mama will sweep it up.

If it is high, it must be reached, preferably by the most precarious route possibly.

If it is packed and shelved, it must be unpacked and left lying on the floor. Mama will pick it up.

If it is sharp and pointy, it must be run with at top speed. Mama has shares in L'Oreal, to cover the grey.

If it has leaves, they must be picked, chewed and spat out.

If it is plugged in, it must be unplugged. And my fingers inserted into the now empty socket.

If it is not trash, it must be thrown away or trod on. Mama will pick it up.  

If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, possibly licked and thrown on the floor. Again, Mama will pick it up.

If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be kicked and screamed at. Until Mama comes to help.                                                

If it has drawers, they must be rifled through and used as a step ladder. Even though Mama has just tidied it after procrastinating for a year. She has nothing to do, she can quickly do it again.

If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator or pc monitor, or be used to make gouges in the coffee table.

If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied, preferably on to the floor or Mama's lap.   

If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. Especially my nappy.

If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon and patted into my hair.

If it is dog poo, it must be trod in or poked with a stick.

If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.

If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. Mama has a large supply of headache tablets anyway.

If Mama’s (or Daddy’s) hands are full, I must be carried.

If Mama (or Daddy) is in a hurry and wants to carry me - I must be allowed to walk alone.   

If it is paper, it must be shredded and trailed across the office. Mama will pick it up.

If it is a new book its pages must be torn. (Mama has a particularly good reaction to that one)

If it has buttons, they must be pressed. These include Mama's.

If the volume is low, it must go high. The most annoying tune, the better.

If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled onto the floor or stuffed into the loo.   

If it is a toothbrush, it cannot, under any circumstances, be inserted into my mouth. It can, however, be used to clean the plug hole.

If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force and spray Mama's clean jeans to be soaking wet.

If it is a phone, I must talk to it. But if it actually talks back I must be as quiet as a mouse, making the voice at the other end feel like a twit.

If it is a bug, it must be touched and maybe swallowed. Mama has the doc on speed dial.

If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. (The dogs really are my best friend at meal times)  

If it is not food, it must be licked and sucked to see if it is edible. Dog poo, for some reason, has been banned from my grasp.

If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, toilet water or pee. Mama's washline is always full. 

If it is a car seat, it must be protested against with arched back and flailing arms. Safety, shmafety!

If we go out to a restaurant, I cannot, under any circumstances, allow Mama and Daddy to actually enjoy and eat their meal together.

And if it is Mama, she must be hugged to within and inch of her life! Even if she is pulling out her hair.

I am TODDLER!