What to buy, what to buy??? A common frenetic chant uttered at this time of year. Stores and superrmarkets spend fortunes on gift brochures, shops are festooned with glitzy tinsel and spray-on snow and twinkly lights. I love twinkly lights. Rolls of wrapping paper are strategically placed at cashiers' tills should you forget that one essential item and be too fed up tired to go back to the stationery aisle to get some.
And who to buy for? Our family has decided to just buy for the children but my mother always sabotages that arrangement and buys all of us a little something (Mom: "You're my child, aren't you??!!) And somewhere along the way i take home a box of Turkish Delight.
But a wonderful thing has started to happen. A little of the Christmas sparkle is starting to rub off on me. (She, of jaded festive cynicism.) I want to start my own family traditions, buy pretty baubles for the new pretty tree, buy lots of presents for my boy, wrap them up, pile them under the pretty tree and see his delight when he lays his eyes on them on Christmas morning. Just not 5am, please, L.
But a thought came to me while I was sitting on a beach this weekend watching my boy and his mates play in the water and chuck wet sand at their mothers . You can spend as much money as you like/can afford to on wonderful fancy toys and games, but the biggest gift you can ever give your children is your time. Listening to our kids scream with laughter as we splash them through the water or help them build a village of sandcastles or build puzzles with them or read a book to them is priceless. And I as an adult am better for it. I am reminded of how quickly this time will go, my boy will grow up and Mom won't be his universe anymore.
Last week I posted a status on my Facebook profile mentioning how ashamed I was for smacking my boy when I was tired and grumpy. I got quite a few comments, and none of them condemning me for my nasty behaviour. It seems I have boarded a rather full boat there. Been there, done that was the common consensus.
Last night I watched a CSI episode where an abusive mother meets a rather sticky end, bludgeoned by her terrified offspring. Extreme measures and a "justified homicide" as mentioned by one of the perfectly manicured CSIs, it made me want to go hug and cuddle my perfect little slumbering angel, and reassure him, and mostly myself, that I am not that mama! Those who know me and follow my FB statuses know how despairing I become after listening to news broadcasts that, all too often, inform us of horrific abuse against children.
But I do become tired, irritated and annoyed. I am human. Would it be right to put on a bright and smiley Stepford wife/mother face and just crumble and implode quietly while washing dishes? Would that be a realistic impression to present to my child? Would my child feel a failure one day for not being able to contain his feelings, like Mommy does? Am I teaching him to keep everything bottled up and suppressed?
As a parent I want to be an example of a real and, hopefully, normal(!) person, with real and normal reactions to certain situations. The world is not always peaches and cream. Its often crap. He will get tired, he will have deadlines to meet and the evening will be getting late and he just might, in a moment of weakness, smack his own un-cooperative child purely out of frustration.
Maybe then he will understand.
L, I can't promise to never give you a hiding ever again, or to express my displeasure in a nasty screech but I can guarantee you a lifetime of love and kisses and hugs. Even if its from an imperfect mama.
Today is a beautiful day. Truly. Sun is out, a light breeze is caressing the banana trees ( a relief after the onslaught of the infamous Black South Easter) and the birds are chirping in the said trees. And I am at home. Alone. On my own. All is quiet except for the hum of the computer, and the chirping birds. Bliss. And where is L, you ask? My beautiful gorgeous, cutest of cute boy toddler is at creche. No, I have not kept him home or have plans to fetch him early. I am enjoying some peace and quiet, not to mention more than 5 minutes to sit my ass down before having to run after L or save him from falling off chairs that he has decided to use as step ladders to climb onto tables.
Some may say "But you are being selfish! Your child needs as much time with you as you can give him! You are his mother, you can't not want to spend time with your child!". Lay the guilt trip on, slap it on real thick. But I don't care. Bad mommy. Insert frowny smiley here_____.
My excuses are:
1. I need to be available should my employer call me in.
Okay, today that reason would not fly as I have had to take the day off anyway to have my aging car examined for a sneaky oil leak. So i couldn't go to work even if I wanted to.
2. I need to be free to continue with my Face booking, gardening, cleaning, freelance work.
One cannot work with an inquisitive restless 2 year old wanting to be entertained.
3. He loves school!
He is the man, the rock star, the Dude of his pre-school class. How can I deny L the joy of interacting with his mates, kissing the girls in the castle and charming the teachers???
Truth is, I enjoy my quiet time, I need my quiet time, time to catch up with work, to make sure my home is in a semi decent shape, time to tend to my garden (my only hobby) and time to find Me again.
If you are a new mom you may have noticed that time for yourself is non-existent, except for maybe a few stolen moments on the loo, woohoo. Even then little bodies threaten to bash the door down in their curiosity to see what Mama is doing all on her own in there...the cheek.
So, you can try guilting me into feeling bad about not rushing off to collect my darling son, shame, leaving him there just pining for me... but it ain't going to work.
Besides making sure dinner is made and we can all eat together, putting another load of washing on so that we all can have clean clothes to wear, cleaning the kitchen so that it isn't overrun by ants, doing extra freelance design so that I can make sure there are nappies on hand (or rather on bum) and most bills are paid, I take a little time out to write this, my first blog :)
So sue me.
